First Times

It was the first time she had pushed aside the feeling of may-be-it-is wrong. It was the first time, she was afraid that he would hear her heart screaming. The first time when lying was tough. The first time, she felt love.

She dressed so carefully hoping he would notice and rehearsed her coy smile a million times in front of the mirror. It was the only time; she chose jasmine over roses, and yellow over pink. She did her eyes, and then her hair and carefully pulled out a strand from the side. It dangled and danced as she glanced sideways at the mirror checking all along to see if the pallu was in place.



She had favorites that changed every two minutes. He was probably the only exception.

I sat at a distance watching both of them. Of course, I was the one who had listened to her stories until then. But this time we walked a path of silence. Only she kept interrupting with giggles and hurried steps that upset the rhythm our anklets maintained.

Actually, I knew both of them equally well. Both, who had told me everything but this. Love, I thought to myself.

They spoke through the night. But the night remained young. He held her hand and clutched it tight. Her head locked position on his shoulder. And I sat plucking my lower lip waiting for them to say goodbye.

He did and we left. That was the last train out of the village.

Her first time without him.

Elastic Hearts.


One of the most serious consequences of being more than just friends is its irreversibility.



Life,

Is crossing over.

Faith,

Waits to meet me there.

Unwind

Take me higher,
Make me fall.
Tricky desires,
Standing tall.

Turn around,
Look inside.
For nothing’s wrong
and no one’s right.

Blue Shoes

I usually shrug off pleasant memories. Else they would mean too much. But this one refused to be.
Shrugged off, I mean.
* * * *

It was exactly like that 2 minute dream before the waking second. It grew, frame by frame.. it melted, it smiled and winked at me as I lived through it. Waking life, I call it.

There were rehearsals that ran in lengths of many days and endless nights. I remember those blue shoes too. They seemed to suit me well. Pretty silver ribbons to ballet with my lady like blue skirt, red roses, and good luck wishes.

And the fall! How can I forget the fall? Gracefully, in slow motion – like it would be my last and like I can’t fall any lower. More perfect than all my rehearsals. And then the freeze…

Like in a trance, the rest of the cast swirls in circles and leaps, while my eyes search through the space to fill the void that could kill me. That is the moment. The split second when the spots are on you. Of applause, of fame, of smiles and crystal drops of tears.

My twelve year struggle understood me.



"When words become unclear, I shall focus with photographs. When images become inadequate, I shall be content with silence" - Ansel Adams

In this space you will find images and words. It is upto you to weave 'em together and see what I see.