Schizophrenia

Sometimes life is like that, there is always an invisible truth… a hidden reality… open secrets and surreal situations. It works on a simple truth – “Your life is REAL. But so is mine”. They say, emotions have that in them - the ability to bring to life memories. Love; most of all.

I’ve read books. I see there is so much to describe when it comes to mundane routines or even a crime scene. And I can’t help but wonder how Love seems to be the only thing that’s understood without words. Without words.

**********

But we did speak. A little, every now and then. No one asked me as many questions as he did. I had company. No one listened without judging me inside. And I have to agree, its tough finding people like that these days. Many judge by cover, I judge too – ‘instincts’; they say.

May be not.

I stumble upon more questions as I even try to answer the very first. What made me take that extra step?

He listened with patience. I preferred to think, he was observing closely. Sometimes, I even felt his gaze wash my skin.

Reluctant Panic. Both were mine. A sinful combination.

Such things can’t be ignored.

And some people can’t be forgotten. They can’t be remembered either. They just exist in your life. May be as tucked away memories of hurt… Or whispers of something you imagined…

***********

Welcome to my world. Here, nothing is new. Nothing is old. Its got me, myself and I.

...of bandanas & bangles !

I’ve been listening to Delhi 6 on an endless loop for a day now..

Am not a Delhi vaasi, nor have I stayed there for a considerable length of time to call myself a Delhi-ite. Same with Bombay or Bangalore! But there is something about these 3 cities! The spirit – its energy and the maddening crowd with all its colors! Place with no definition, people with no fear.

Makes me wanna do one of those ‘Friends only’ trip back to Pilani for this song reminds me of infinite Delhi – Pilani journeys atop rusty buses amidst a million pieces of luggage, dust and stale food.

This day was spent remembering Delhi-Haat, Samchat, Connaught market, bandanas and bangles!!

IT WAS GOOD FUN!

Cold Gray Mornings

They say that there is light up ahead.... May be there is too little to be seen. Or may be... Am just blind.

Yes. I woke up to yet another cold and gray morning. I am left with empty visions of a world where silent whisperers scream into thin air. I suffer from memories of a time, so long ago. I miss simplicity. I fear those eyes... scornful eyes - dripping with contempt and disdain. I long for warmth. I run and hide behind invisible walls. I faint and fall off to wake up briefly before I hit the ground. Again.. my eyes open to a cold and gray morning.

... of neon lights and lonely streets

---------------------------------------------------------------

I know I want to write more than this title.

I know it every morning, when I wake up before the sun does. I say it to myself as I win over my alarm clock. I know it while I walk to work. I know it while I wait for my cup of cappuccino. I know it while I reply to one mail after another. I recall it while the coin trickles down the vending machine.

I see it in so many eyes. I feel it within.
This is the story... of neon lights and lonely streets.

To Aditya

They say, you can tell from the person’s eye if he/she is lying or not. What do I tell from this one? Read on.

Promises have always been on the list of all things with faint belief. More often than not, they just serve as some fancy seasoning on top of a not so good dish. When life remains simple, and thoughts stagnate atop more thoughts, there is little to do and the brain enjoys the inertness around – you can surely bet there is a rude awakening that lies ahead. This is one such episode, a very recent one at that.

I was at the local school, doing some routine blind reading classes. I usually handle science for class 3 but this time it was spoken English for Aditya and Dharini. I went through their lessons to brief myself about what has been covered in the past and I realized that Aditya had an incomplete homework. When asked ‘why?’ all he said was that he was sorry.

Pissed as I was, I was bent upon getting the reason out. Having asked him around 10 times already, I gave up. I took a moment’s deep breath. Let out all the heat and told Aditya (gripping him firmly by his wrist) “Promise, that you will finish it by next week!”

Aditya kept silent.

I asked him again, much louder. “DO YOU HEAR ME? PROMISE THAT YOU WILL FINISH THE HOMEWORK BY NEXT WEEK!”

He kept silent again. I had given up a second time by then.

Just as I began to loosen my grip around his arm, and was going to let him go – he held mine. Looked faintly in my direction…. Blinked a couple of times with uneasiness and then with a sort of conviction I haven’t seen in even physically able people – he said to me

“Why do you want a promise when I am telling you the truth? Does honesty require re-enforcement? I will finish it. Please trust me. “

Small truth.
Big lessons.
A Rude AWAKENING.

Familiar Strangers

‘My Life is just a slow train Crawling up a hill’

Its just a short and simple equation, this thing that we call life. Isn’t it? Endless nights after countless mornings, all I do is walk around and observe. I tend to believe am the only one observing. But am being watched too. By who? or Why? Doesn’t really matter anymore. In a land of strangers, we are all alone together. The people I see, the eyes I meet, the voice I hear, the smiles that console; are not necessarily from people I’ve known for long. It just comes from the ones I see everyday. Most times I don’t even know their names. But we wait together for a common cause. At the bus stop. At the hotel counter. At ATMs. At a million other places.

It’s a comforting experience. The familiar face, and the expected smile.
Familiar Strangers.

Scenes from a Memory

Sometimes I wish I could just flip through the pages of my life. Skip through the ones bookmarked by tears and regrets. Relive moments when random co incidences cause a smile or two. I wished again. Today.

I used to like feeling unique. I liked to race with the rain line, I still like to cry when no one’s watching. I secretly enjoy the rhythm in everything around me.. like when the old lady walks to the beat on my ear plugs.

Oh! That reminds me. I also like times when am no different from the girl next door. The man with the head phones; the loner making a fashion statement !?!

Ah! How strangely similar we all are!

Misused mistakes.
Reluctant panic.
Convenient silence.
Period.

Tranquil Sedation

What did you think when you told me, this was over?
Incessant quarrels to give us reasons forever…
Seasons of change seem to fool me! Hopeless desires.
Locked inside tranquil sedation. Gray and somber.


Give me, space to breathe.
Inside of me, make me free.
Love me, talk to me.
Make up some reasons, to be with me.


How many times have people said this to themselves?
Be beaten and also abandoned! Lonesome survivors.
Seeking the seamless treasons, that life leaves us.
Or blaming the loss and losers, for all their wises.


I will break free
Right now and be, the change to see.
Hear me, Fear me
Make up your mind n see through me.


Disclaimer: for those of you who wanna conclude that this post is about a 'guy-girl' relationship. It isn't! Think outside the box! :)